


Live Until You Feel Alive Again

by HelenElisabeth87



Category: Actor RPF
Genre: F/M, Grief, RPF, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-09 22:31:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14724816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenElisabeth87/pseuds/HelenElisabeth87
Summary: When Kathryn loses her Mum suddenly she escapes to the only place that bring her any comfort, Massachusetts. She stays with her best friend since her college years in the town of Sudbury. But what happens when she runs into Sudbury's famous export, Chris Evans. Could he be the one to bring her through the darkness of grief and help her live again?





	1. I'm So Sorry For Your Loss

I'd heard the words so often in the past few weeks that I'd begun to feel almost immune. "Sorry for your loss" – despite the sincerity of the many people uttering this phrase, I'd started to shrug them off. It was all well and good that they were sorry but they'd never be as sorry as I was. My first encounter with this platitude was at the hospital. My father called me, something was wrong with Mum and I needed to get to A&E as soon as I could. 

Normally I'd work from home, the joy of graphic design was that you could literally work anywhere, it was one of the things that had drawn the teenaged me to the career in the first place, but I'd been meeting with a potential new client and so I'd been in my central London office, the meeting had been done for a while but I was catching up with paperwork when I'd got the call, I'd left immediately cursing the fact that I'd even been in the office that day. I'd rushed to Euston and got the first train to Hemel Hempstead, the town my two brothers and I had grown up in. With a generous gift in my Great-Aunt's will I was able to purchase a cottage in Aldbury, a village about 20 minutes away, a fact that I was grateful for on this day, it meant that after a short train journey my car was waiting at the train station for me. I drove to the hospital and parked in the car park nearest to A&E. I rushed in and gave my name to the a&e receptionist, explained that my mother was somewhere in the department and was immediately lead to what I later found out is called the Relative's Room. I walked in to see Dad standing by the window, he turned to face me and I knew instantly that it was bad news. Tears were streaming down his face, he looked like he'd aged at least ten years.

"She's gone." He said.

The words hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd spoken to her only 6 hours earlier, making plans for the weekend, and then just like that she was gone, this couldn't be right. I was dreaming, or there'd been some kind of mistake, she couldn't be dead, it just made no sense to me. Sure she'd had her health problems in the past, she'd battled and beaten breast cancer, she'd been in remission for 4 years, we thought she'd be with us for years to come and now in the blink of eye, she was gone. I held my dad as he cried, I felt lost and numb, I couldn't cry, I couldn't even really process the words. I heard the door open and a nurse walked in with a cup of tea for my Dad, she popped it down on the table next to the sofa and then turned to me.

"You're Kathryn right?" She said smiling gently at me.

I nodded, not able to form any words, there was just emptiness in my head, and my heart was literally breaking into a million pieces,

"I am so sorry for your loss. If there's anything we can do for you don't hesitate to ask. Would you like a drink at all? Your dad was telling me that you've had a bit of a trek."

"A tea would be great please," I said choking back tears. Tea. It was always Mum's solution to any problem. Suddenly I was 16 again, going through my first major break up, sat sobbing on the back doorstep when Mum presents me with a mug of hot tea and lets me cry on her shoulder until the tears stop. A million cups of tea later and here I was. Trying to process the news that I would never share a moment like that with my mother again.

"Milk and sugar?" a voice said jolting me out of my daydream.

"3 sugars, please. I could do with it. And just a splash of milk." I replied.

"No problem. I'll be back in a few minutes." She said as she left the room.

Dad and I sat down on the sofa, he took a couple of sips of his drink before popping it onto the table next to us.

"Dad, are Jackson and James, on their way?" I asked enquiring about my brothers.

"Yes, yes I called them at the same time as you, but they were a little further away than you were. Who's going to tell them...I... I don't think I can bear saying those words again but.... but I can't let...."

"Shhh, Dad. Don't you worry about it." I said knowing exactly what he was getting at. He couldn't have someone else give my brother's the news, I didn't want them to hear those words from anyone else. "Dad, I'll do it. I can tell them." I added.

"Oh, my beautiful girl." Dad said as he kissed me gently on the head.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes instantly. But I couldn't let myself cry in front of Dad, I had to be strong for him, he needed that. Needed me to be there for him, and the boys. I had to be like Mum now, cups of tea and stiff upper lip. At least just for the few first days, the boys would be heartbroken, we were a close-knit family, even once we'd grown up we'd stayed relatively close to home and made sure that family dinners were still a key component of our week. They had started with just the 5 of us, then my brother's began to bring girlfriends to the meals, occasionally I'd bring along a boyfriend, I'd had about 4 'serious' boyfriends that I'd brought home unlike my younger brother James who seemed to have a new girl most months, eventually Jackson's girlfriend of 3 years became his wife and then the family meals grew to an extra 2, my niece Angela arrived 4 years ago and my little nephew Leo had just turned 1. For about 18 months now I'd not bought anyone to those family dinners, I'd been a few disastrous first dates which had not led to anything, so in the end, I'd thrown myself into work, grew my business to what it had become.

"I'm going to go wait outside for them." I said as I hugged Dad one more time. I stood up and headed towards the door, not knowing what the next few hours would hold and sending prayers up to whatever God might be listening that they'd help me through it.


	2. Secrets That You Keep

As I headed through the corridors that lead to the entrance, I was a mess of feelings, I couldn’t distinguish one from another, something that I wasn’t used to at all. I walked outside and immediately scanned the car park for either of their cars but I couldn’t see any sign of them. I knew they had slightly further to come than I did so it wasn’t much of a surprise, I found a bench with the best view of the car park entrance and sat and waited. I tried to work out how I was going to tell them; what words I would use to tell them our Mum was gone but no matter how hard I tried nothing was coming. I tried to fight back the tears that were forming in my eyes, tried to stop the tidal wave of grief washing over me, I had to wait just until Jackson and James knew at least. I was still thinking about how to break the news when I saw Jackson’s car pulling into the car. He parked up and got out of the car before heading over to where I sat,

“Kath, what’s wrong? Dad didn’t say much, just to get here as soon as possible.” He said as he sat down next to me.

Despite how much I had wanted to be strong, seeing Jackson had done away with all of that. I burst into tears instantly, 

“She’s gone Jackson, I got here and Mum was gone,” I said through sobs. 

“But…what happened?” he asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve only been here about 15 minutes, and I think they’re waiting until we’re all together,” I replied. 

“Kath, go in. Sit with Dad. I’ll tell James when he arrives, there’s no way I’m letting you tell anyone else. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time. Don’t try and be like Mum, please, you’ll end up doing more damage to yourself than good to anyone else.” 

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He nodded at me as if to tell me that it was no problem, that it was his job. And he was right. He was my older brother after all. He had always been my superhero. Charging in whenever I needed saving, doing exactly what a big brother should, I had always considered myself the luckiest girl in the world to have the big brother that I did. He was always there for me, no matter what I was going through, he had comforted me after break-ups, promising to go punch the guys that dumped me, he had held my hair back after a few too many drinks at parties, he had helped me practice for my driver’s test, taught me how to drive the motorways, he had encouraged me through my degree when I wasn’t sure if it was all worth it. I was so grateful for everything he had ever done for me. 

I stood up and wandered back through the A&E department to the relative’s room. I pushed the door opened and saw Dad sat there, a pile of papers in hand,

“Ah Kathryn, glad you’re back. Your tea is here. I have some things to read through, have the boys arrived?” He said.

“Jackson is here. I told him. He is waiting outside for James, he wanted to be the one to tell him” I said sitting down and grabbing my tea. 

As I took the first few sips I could feel a little wave of calm falling over me, I knew it wasn’t going last, it couldn’t with everything that was going on but for a few moments, I was grateful to feel the calmness. Sadly, my calmness didn’t last too long, the door opened and Jackson and a very red-faced James walked in. I instantly jumped up and captured my younger brother in the tightest hug I could. James held onto me tightly, for a minute it was hard to breathe though I couldn't work out if that was because he was squeezing too tightly or if it was more to do with the mountain of feelings I had at that moment, I tried to keep things together, resisted opening the floodgates that were my emotions, knowing that it wouldn't do to have all of us in a state. James tightened his grip on me and then spoke,

"What happened?" he asked.

"I don't know yet but now we're all here I'm sure someone will be here soon," I answered. 

No sooner had I said the words than the door opened and a Doctor walked in. 

"Hi, I'm Dr. Jess Anderson." She said. 

She gave us a reassuring smile as she headed into the room. She looked young, probably a year, maybe two younger than me. I couldn’t help but pity her in many ways, having to come in and discuss this with us, I couldn’t imagine doing it, but I supposed that was why she was a doctor and I was a graphic designer. 

"Are you here to tell us what happened to our mum?" James asked sounding so much younger than the 26 years old that he was. 

"I am. Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Even with a tumor, I can understand how much of a shock this is."  
"Tumour? Dad, what is she talking about? What tumour?" I asked.  
Dr. Anderson looked over at my father, a look of horror and shock on her face. Dad however just looked like a naughty teenager who had been caught out in a lie. Jackson and James looked about as devastated as I felt, I couldn't understand what was going on. A million thoughts ran through my head. Her cancer must have returned. They had kept it from us. Mum had lied to me. Suddenly my world shattered for the second time that day.

"Why don't we all sit down and we can have a chat." Dr. Anderson said trying to defuse the potentially volatile situation. 

I didn't argue. I sat back down on the sofa with my brothers either side of me. Tears had started flowing again, despite how hard I had tried to stop them. Jackson grabbed a hold of my hand, as Dad and the doctor sat down on the two armchairs that were in the room. 

"Dad. What is going on?" I said. 

"Your mum had been having headaches for about 5 months, really painful, I kept telling her to go see our doctor but she just shrugged it off, you know what she was like. By the time I got her to the doctor, it was too late. The diagnoses came quickly, a brain tumour, terminal, there was nothing could be done. They could make her comfortable but that was all. And that meant painkillers, strong ones, that would have turned her into something other than the woman that we all loved. So she refused the treatment. We were planning on telling you this weekend, we had hoped she had longer than she did have. To begin with, we were told 12 months but the tumour she had was aggressive, it was relentless, the last appointment we had they said 3 months."

"How long have you known?" I asked trying to process everything.

"It's been 4 months since she refused the treatment." He said. 

“And so what happened today doctor?” I said turning to her.

“The preliminary investigations point to a brain haemorrhage. It can happen with brain tumours. She didn’t suffer, as much as this won’t help you right now, her dying like this saved her from a lot of pain.” Dr. Anderson said. 

As odd as it sounded it actually did help. Knowing that Mum was spared weeks of suffering made me feel a little better. I would have hated to watch her fade away like I’d watched her mother fade away. I’d been studying at Northeastern University, in Boston at the time, my mother had been born and raised in the USA so I me and my brothers all had dual citizenship, I was the only one to use this to my advantage and chose to study over there. The only downside of my whole stay was that about 18 months into my degree my grandfather called me with the news that my grandmother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Over the next 2 years I went to stay with them over every school break, gave my grandfather a break, nursed my grandma, took her to her doctor’s appointments, helped at home and ultimately watched as my grandmother faded into a ghost of herself, it had been hell to watch, the only saving grace was that it was between the summer of my 3rd and 4th year that she passed away, with me and my grand-pops by her side. So Mum going this way was somehow more merciful than the painful process that she had would have potentially gone through.

“I can’t believe you didn’t say anything Dad,” Jackson said out of the blue. 

“It was your mother’s choice Son, she thought it would be for the best,” Dad responded.  
“No. That’s crap. I’m sorry Dad, but lying to us?” What good did you think was going to come from that? I just can’t stay in here right now.” He responded as he stood up.   
Before I could stop him, he had walked out of the room, leaving the door to slam behind him. In all honesty, I couldn’t blame him, the pain of the betrayal stung worse than the pain of having just lost Mum but we needed to stay together right now, I sighed, knowing that there was only one person in the room that could talk any sense into him, and that person was me.


End file.
